Das Joke

This must be one of the funniest collection of jokes I have seen in a while (BTW the picture above is completely unrelated). Don’t ask why, but I found them during one of my serendipitous netcombing adventures. There they were under the heading “German Jokes”. As one of my other blogs says… “the laughing fit… the rest stay out”. Enjoy….

German Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

 This has been j’accuse… getting it so you don’t have to.

Vongole

Saturday night and there’s no way I am moving from the house. The big match is on and I am keeping all fingers crossed in the hope that the bianconeri keep their positive march going. In preparation for the big event I braved the snow and the cold (braved is a bit overdoing it) to go do my weekly shopping. Back home and I cooked up a wonderful plate of spaghetti with vongole using a lovely recipe imparted over the internet by LL (who is on the recovery).

I’ve got one question for Fausto… how does BBC iplayer work for you? Isn’t it supposed to be only accessible to people browsing from within the UK? Have you got some trick that will allow us to watch Top Gear et al? Share please.

One last thing. During my last visit on the island I was lucky enough to taste the wondrous excesses that he chef at a particular restaurant in Valletta had to offer. I have toyed with keeping the idea a bit secret until now but I think that it would be cruel. It might not be new to many of you but do not forget that I live abroad… the place is called “Al Mare”. It is still registered as a pizzeria in the Go Mobile directory but believe you me anyone wasting his time eating pizza in that establishment needs to have his head checked. Flock to the place and just dive into his seafood delicacies. Full five j’accuse thumbs up!

It’s Here

(Over)Hype in a Box

 

The most over-hyped wine is back again. It’s that time of the year again when the Beaujolais Nouveau hits the tables of the bars and bistrots. It’s a marketing ploy andyou can let yourself go happily drinking that extra bit of wine because after all (if you really needed it) its a good excuse to let some of Bacchus’ special slide down your throat. Don’t be fooled though… it’s no big deal…it’s just a lot of noise (and colour) that is the result of a clever marketing trick that persists through the years. This is the smallest crop since 1975… which does not mean that we will not have thousands of bottles flooding the tables for the end of November.

Warning: J’accuse would like to encourage its esteemed readership to enjoy wine and alcoholic beverages with responsible moderation. If Responsible Moderation is nowhere to be seen then it is normally advisable to stop drinking when “leg” fails to obey orders from “fuzzy brain”. Driving is definitely not on the menu at that point.

Seriously. Don’t drink and drive. And drink responsibly (If you want to drink that is. You don’t have to. And you cannot if you are not 17 yet).

This has been j’accuse… wine tasting so you don’t have to.

The Inquisitives

Auntie

There’s a problem with the wireless in my house. It’s useless acting all disconnected actually because I know what the problem is and I caused it myself. I tried to hook my new PS3 to my wireless system (managed by an Airport) and following a couple of failed attempts I chose to follow the instructions that I had found on an internet forum. Sure enough after modifying the IP settings of the Airport the whole thing went AWOL so now I have limited internet access in my house.

Limited in the sense that without the wireless I am obliged to crouch with my laptop next to the front door to wire it directly to the modem that sits at the entrance. Tough shit. But still my house is sans wireless.

For a long time in our grandad’s and dad’s times the wireless had nothing to do with the internet and much to do with what they would later call radio (a concept we would share with them until sometime now when digital radio slowly slips in its place – Digital Radio killed the AM/FM star!). My dad remembers a time (which apparently was until Mintoff kicked the Brits out) when we had a radio in Malta called BFBS which did not stand for something related to large obese circum tauri (work that one out eh) but rather stood for British Forces Broadcasting Service.

The mother of all wireless broadcasting services across the world must be the BBC. Or should I say the Auntie as she is affectionately known? In any case some little ads on the BBC World (TV) service promoting what the BBC news is all about got me thinking. The first few were imperatives – like “stay connected” or “remain up to date” – the more I saw them the less did they sound like an invitation and they sounded more and more like an order.

Little clips asked the viewer whether he ever wondered about what happened to the expatriated Bosnians following the Radovan purge. Why did none of them come back after the war? Another clip seemed to imply that I should be ashamed if I do not want to stay in touch with every step of the Presidential race in America. Someone at the BBC must have had an attack of conscience at that point because they let loose a long clip of reporting in difficult circumstances where the mob/reported person invariably turned on the camera and tried to stop the reported doing his duty.

Shots of French strikers yelling “degage” at the bbc cameramen or what seemed like Palestinians (they were throwing stones -oops politically incorrect) turning towards the cameramen in the familiar gesture of one hand covering the lense were interspersed. The slogan at the end said something in the terms of “no matter how difficult, no matter how hard, we will keep doing our work… so long as you keep asking questions“.

So there it was. The cat was out of the bag. It is not your duty to stay in touch. You are not really obliged to care 24/7 about whether the DAX index is going down and why an Arab sheik’s petulant prices for oil are affecting Shell’s ReUrbanisation Project in Luanda. But if you do… and if  you keep asking questions about everything… you might only just justify the BBC’s expenses bill.

Meanwhile for those who really care the UN is assessing why the fight against poverty is failing so Bush has given his swan song speech urging the UN not to let down its guard against terror.

Then someone starts to wonder why we stop caring at some point.

This has been j’accuse… caring… so you don’t have to.

Luxemburgensia (8) – Urbanism

Long John the Kirchberg Commuter

A spiffing day in Luxembourg with a brilliant sun shining on a mist enveloped capital. Things are looking good for the Duchy and its people. First they were told that the population can expect to continue to grow and now we are busy unveiling plans, plans and counterplans. Yesterday’s news included the announcement that a train should be tooting through to Kirchberg Plateau (that’s the business area – a wannabe London City but blander and much, much smaller) by 2016.

That’s to join up with the tram that will discombobulate all transport until it starts running from the gare to Kirchberg by 2012 (not sure about that date). They’ll be widening a bridge for the tram and also inconveniencing several thousand commuter cars every bloody morning. But it is all for the good.

As is the new Bus Transport Plan being unveiled by Minister Lucien Lux (no, he was not given his name by J.K. Rowling) today. I like the idea. The bus network has been mapped out in a London Underground inspired kind of map and routes have been re-rationalised. Ironically the Luxembourg bus system was already tip-top before this reform so I wonder how much more efficient it could get.

Visitors planning to visit ruedebragance in the future would do well to take note that Bus No.8 no longer serves that route and it is now Bus No. 7 to do the job. Further urban upgrading is coming to fruition as Mayor Helminger unveils the new City Library in Place d’Armes that will house over 73,000 books on three floors in the former Ciné Building.

Also, the experimental phase of the Hot-City Wi-Fi network comes to an end. Expect to be charged as from the 1st October. Prices are not out yet. On a related note, Apple have finally announced that the iPhone partner in Luxembourg will be Vox – which is good because j’accuse is a vox subscriber. Estimated dates of introduction of iPhone 3G into Luxembourg vary between October and December 2008. Great. Just in time for Christmas.

Back to transport, soon after making it obligatory for drivers to have both the triangle and the shiny vest in their car, the Ministry for Transport is examining the possibility of obliging all applicants for a drivers’ licence to sit for a first aid course. Might be a necessary nuisance that is not all that criticiseable.

Immigration next. A little tussle has begun between the Luxembourg Red Cross and the Lux government over the repatriation of immigrants. The Lux government pays 1800€ per adult and 900€ per child for aid to resettle these immigrants. The Red Cross complained that the notice for the repatriation of 19 persons (four families with children) was given at too short a notice for it to organise the usual supervising accompaniment. It rejected claims from the government that it had abandoned this particular group of refugees.

Finally we must reluctantly join in the rejoicing of a nation. The Red Lions of tiny Luxembourg have defeated Switzerland 2-1 in an away game in a World Cup Qualifying Round. While Malta was busy getting trounced by Albania 3-0 the valiant Lions pulled off an unpredictable stunt beating one of the last co-hosts of the Euro 2008 tournament. Well done Lux!

To really conclude. Anybody who gives a damn should know that the Schuberfouer is over. Summer is officially over (did it ever start?) and the damn traffic should move smoother now. I will only miss that great restaurant that served the Galettes Bretonnes.

This has been J’accuse keeping you up to date about what’s going on in the Duchy.