Comment left on Running Commentary:
And Jacques-Rene too.
See you
The honeymoon’s over. Following the incredible question as to whether Topless Sunbathing is Indecent, the venerable halls of the courts of Malta will rebound with another essential question: Does pointing out the grammatical bloopers of another person amount to libel? Sandro… you have been warned.
Categories: About J'accuse · J'Accuse Specials · TGIL
You’ve asked after her. You wanted to know what happened to Lorna Vassallo. So then I receive an email from Mark reminding me that Lorna has her own site. Wonder of wonders. Just as we were all despairing that she’d never be back she regales us with a brand new column in Maltastar. We are to follow the Dame of the Grammatically Incoherent on her travels. Sarcasme obligé… who are we to refuse a free traipse around the world in the company of She Who Must be Commented Upon? The system is the usual: We lift the article from whichever paper is kind enough to reproduce the Dame’s musings then we add our own [square bracketed] comments. Enjoy the ride… it’s as long as a hungry anaconda… but it’s worth it!
[From Maltastar] Lorna Vassallo has finally decided to share her travel diary with maltastar.com readers [Just maltastar.com readers?]. She’s been to Europe of course … but not only. She’s also been to South America, North Africa and Asia. She’s the type to be more attracted to non-touristic places rather to touristic ones [odds are that this is not a typo - the editor is trying to outwit Lorna], take the bus rather than the coach and take a challenge rather than a rest [and take a chance to win again]. So, here we go, following Lorna, the keen traveller, week by week, while she speaks about one of the million corners of the same round world [a wonderful image isn't it?... a million corners of the same ROUND world... Nobel Prize to Applied Trigonometry goes to... ] and ponder … after all … the world is a beautiful place.
CANAIMA PARK – VENEZUELA VIEWS FROM THE SKY
The plane landed at Caracas airport at night. I arranged my tour at Canaima Park and started from the airport to Ciudad Bolivar on the ten o’clock bus. After quite some long hours [quite some wrong writing] of uncomfortable sleep and travel I found myself [ It's the eternal ego trip - she found herself - must have been quite a shock!] waiting for a four-wheel drive jeep and a man I didn’t know [do you think that they came together or separately?] at the bus terminus. The man turned out to be a woman [della serie cominciamo bene!] who came to pick me up and took me for breakfast in a shabby posada.
There I met some of the fellow-travellers that were to accompany me on my quest [Lorna Jones and the Temple of Reflexive Verbs] in the Gran Sabana region, south of Orinoco River. At this stage I was still inquisitive [Curious could have sufficed here.. but inquisitive is to curious as bombastic is to you know who] as to how things would proceed. One thing led to another and I ended up, within an hour’s time, acting as copilot on a four-seater bush-plane [What would you not pay to be on the same plane? Picture the Dame at the Control speaking to control tower - "I have located myself on the radar - waiting for confirmation from she-man pilot OVER" ].
He told us the story that made him lame [He who? And what kind of man (or woman - you never know in Venezuela) is crippled by a fairy tale?] and how three other people had died [ So he died and came back lame but the others just died and stopped there?] in the same plane crash. The flight was frightening enough – the plane not seeming to withhold the simplest and whitest of clouds [Of course that is what planes normally do - withhold clouds]and swaying at every single particle that came in its way [Particle physics is a field that TGIL had not yet entered yet ]. However, this fear (which, in itself, is part of the fun of course) soon turned into immeasurable pleasure when we three passengers caught the first glimpses of the table-top mountains (also known as tepuys) so characteristic of Parco Canaima.
My heart leapt as we saw from above waterfalls and rainbows, red waters flowing and still [The famous still moving red waters of Canaima still baffle scientists to this very day]. We yelled loudly at every single sight uncloaked through the thick mist that made the scenery all too mysterious and the knowledge that we were but invading the reign of the anaconda.
[Picture the anacondas rushing for shelter as a plane full of shemale driver, a crazed copilot uttering gobbledygook and two living dead passengers emerges through the withheld clouds while navigating through minute particles. Picture the unworldly shrieks as more and more was "uncloaked through the thick mist" (incidentally that is an elaborate metaphor which involves you imagining (a) something cloaked in thick mist (b) the mist rising (c) consequentially something being uncloaked - it's difficult catching up with certain brains) ]
LAGUNA CANAIMA
The first encounters with the people welcoming us there occurred [ From a Native Diary: Thursday - plane landed out of cloudy sky. Met crazed woman and transvestite.River still full of blood from yesterday's cleaning of meat] and no sooner were we looking at the beauty of Laguna Canaima – a fresh, red water lagoon with a large wide [ LW - something between L, XL and XXL] waterfall on the other side, so near we would even have believed we could catch it with our own hands [ No comment].
And if this were not enough – three palms stood in the midst of it as if they were planted there by God himself. The guide told us that the waters of the Laguna came from the Rio Churun, which was in its turn an offshoot of the Rio Carrao. In the indigenous mythology the River Churun flowed from the tears of Churun, an indigenous girl who the devil had punished and who cried forever and ever – the river being her flow of tears [An alternative version is that Churun was a Poet Laureate who had inadvertently subscribed to Lorna's articles on the Times ].
to be continued…
Categories: Blogging · J'Accuse Specials · TGIL
Good morning, I hope that you have had a splendid weekend. It’s been spiffing in Luxembourg, especially since we have had long periods of sunshine and unprecedented warmth. The park outside 22, Rue de Bragance was regaled with a wonderful shower of rays and showed off it’s green glory as luxizens thronged into it’s paths and children’s voices joined the chorus of happy birds celebrating this early spring.This patch of bright sunshine was just as surprising as the news that Remich is flooded and that the citizens of that riverside town are busy pumping water out of their caves all over again.
This morning we woke up to a constant pissing of rain from the heavens but the long hours of sunshine stocked up during the weeked could not be so easily obliterated by this sudden change – even more so since we will all be cooped up in our offices and any extra sunshine would have gone wasted. There will be no raining on our parade. But enough about the matter… let us back to things Maltese and more particularly to the forthcoming local council elections.
Here at J’accuse we have oft pointed a not-so-bony accusatory digit towards the big fish in the electoral pool for throwing oh-too-many candidates at the electorate without separating the eedjits from the democratically electable. A letter to today’s Times by a candidate Paul Aquilina (PN) does prove our point. Let me say that I do not know the chap in question – and that if I ever had the pleasure of meeting him he did not leave a sufficiently memorable mark on my mind for it to recall his face as soon as the name was read…
Anyways.. his letter to the times deserves the Lorna treatment… if only for a nostalgic return to methods past. Voilà mesdames et monsieurs … the créme de la crème of Pn candidates live from Malta in 2007:
Why vote PN
Paul Aquilina
[Do note the title. Could have ben phrased better no? I mean. Why vote PN? Yes. Why bother? Sometimes brevity tends to be the assassin of the spirit of the phrase (as Lorna would undoubtedly say). Why You Should Vote PN would have been less comprehensive but more comprehensible title.]
For the March 10 local elections the Nationalist Party will be presenting to the public a group of 121 ladies and gentlemen, coming from all walks of life [Aha. Let the public be presented I say. We have ladies and gentlemen... it's almost like the opening of a circus... ladies and gentlemen of the public we present you the ladies and gentlemen of the candidates list... can you picture Joe Saliba with a Dali -like moustache and a whip?].
They include lawyers, notaries and law students, medical doctors, architects, accountants, businessmen, senior bankers, civil service officials, university lecturers and teachers, company directors, private sector employees, students, youths, self-employed, housewives and also a few pensioners. [What? No Bearded Lady? I want my money back. Well... we have the butcher the baker and the candlestick maker of course. There's the lawyer, the notary and the half baked lawyer. Grrrrreat. Civil Service officials... wahey. Then there is the great set of hodge-podge employments at the end... Youths! Housewives! and the few pensioners thrown in! Jeezus. Doesn't the list smack of (a) patronising bull and (b) I wanted to come up with an iindicative list but then I did not want to hurt any of my fellow candidates so I mentioned ALL the jobs they do.. tenkjuverimuch].
These people possess a vast experience [That famous vast experience... I wonder how the Youths compare to the Housewives and the Pensioners?] as well as great intellectual knowledge [Ta-da... it's the hunting season for Wankellectuals... here we have the lowest of the grades... not just a wannabe intellectual but one who has no idea what intellectual really means!]. Some of them also shoulder professional responsibilities in their line of work [The others just sit around on their asses and get paid for doing **** all because they are blue eyed boys with the best pedigree!]. This group of candidates further enrich the PN in terms of quality [Hmm. Enrich the PN in terms of quality - sounds like an artificial additive] and in its endeavours to guarantee serious management in local government.
I regret to say it is quite the opposite in the Labour Party camp [ Opposite to what exactly - to having the circus of contestants? to having intellectually knowledgeable individuals? to having enriching factors to the endeavours of ... whatever?] where administrative and other problems during certain council meetings are not unknown [Could a vaguer accusation be levelled? I mean what council meetings? Local Council? Aren't they made up of mixed councillors? And anyway... can you really say this after all that has been in the news?]. In my opinion the responsibility lies with the MLP leadership; only they decide who to accept to represent their party [As against PN who accept all the flotsam and jetsam of electoral hopefuls so long as they shoulder their professional responsibility, are intellectually knowledgeable and write ridiculous letters to the times]. It all depends whether they want serious and professional people to run local councils, as the PN does. [Does it? I mean... not to really really rub it in... but you are not doing a very good job of proving the contrary Paul!]
We have read in newspapers of councils with a Labour majority facing huge problems [True. And I have also read in the newspapers of councils with a PN majority making a whole cock-up of respnsible management too], even involving the police in one case [Involving the police? How dare they? Did they ask them to help or what?]. We also hear about Labour councils squandering public funds and engaging in partisan politics [Tut tut tut... PARTISAN POLITICS (read using John Cleese tone of voice)... .now what is that exactly Paul?]. We hear of councils refusing to renew the employment contract of employees simply because they are in some way affiliated to the PN as is their right [IS it the right of councils to renew the aforementioned contract or is it the abovementioned employees who have a right to be affiliated to the PN? The question is intellectually knowledgeable of itself... it is also shouldering its own responsibility.. I think the question could actually run for elections in a non-partisan manner!].
We also read about financial deficits incurred by Labour local governments, the inability to follow the correct procedures when awarding tenders, disregard to the Local Councils Act, confusion and situations whereby local wardens issue an excessive number of tickets.
It is the opposite where there is a PN majority; financial results in the great majority of PN-led local councils are positive with that of Gzira leading the PN group and ending the last financial year with a surplus of over Lm32,000. [Tadaaaaa.... Gzira has a positive financial record hence all PN councils have a positive financial record].
Voters are urged to use their right to vote and choose [Choose life] responsible and professional people, the like [ OH no.... the like that are found] that are found in the PN list of candidates.
***
Mein Gott in Himmell! Unbelievable? Not really… it’s run of the mill candidates…. And Aaron F should be thanking his lucky gods that I have not butchered his presentation of Youth Candidates for the local council. He is just as infected with this logorrheic mode of circum tauri for the masses. We deserve much more than this.
The management of the PN and Labour camps are under the general accusation of neglecting their duties towards the electorate when it comes to selecting candidates. J’accuse openly accuses the executives of the two main parties of thinking they can easily take us all for a ride by throwing this quickly assembled crowd of wannabes at us and hoping that one or two of them stick and manage a Local COuncil haphazardly for the next few years.
Shame. But at least we get our silver lining… letters like this are precious fodder for our Blog… just keep them coming lads! Ir-rebha taghna tkun!
Categories: Politics (Malta) · TGIL
“Stop me… I’m Exultant” was the Nth in a number of posts dedicated to the language and works of Dame Vassallo. Quite coincidentally, while I was researching one of the subjects of Lorna’s article today I discovered (with, I must confess, a measured amount of elation) that the valiant defenders of the Republic are not to be ignored when it comes down to the matter of flawed language usage. Indeed, unlike columnists who shy away from showing the web link to the pages of this crowd of self-proclaimed purists I will gladly point you to the locus delicti where at least a dozen crimes against the English language are being committed daily. This might be Di-Ve.com’s hour of glory as the attention of error-sighting enthusiasts is diverted to yet another site.
Anyways� do pop over to http://www.anrmalta.info/ where you will freely get a cocktail of ridiculous propaganda peppered with the most atrocious of errors since the Times editor issued the Nulla Osta for Lorna Vassallo’s weekly space. Here are a few indicting samples:
“Alleanza Nazzjonali Repubblikana announces its first public manifestation: A public demonstration against illegal immigration through a press release which you can find ****. “
Who will point out to these valiant crusaders that the above sentence implies that their demonstration will be made by press release? I will. Yes sirs. “a demonstration against illegal immigration through a press release means just that”. Of course we all know that these brave white men really meant that they are announcing their first public demonstration by way of a press release � but we cannot keep trying to second guess what the hell they are trying to say can we?
“A.N.R. is not a single issue movement and would in normal circumstances have liked to avoid a subject matter which is bound to raise controversy as its first manifestation. The present situation however is far from normal and unless serious immediate remedial action is not forthcoming illegal immigration is bound to get out of control and overwhelm us. A.N.R. is against illegal action wherever it originates from as it has made abundantly clear on every occasion and expects to see affirmative action taken against economic illegal migrants irrelevant of race or religion.”
They are now economic illegal migrants. What exactly is that? How economic do you have to be in order to be unwanted?
“A.N.R shall be releasing more information in a forthcoming press conference. The Police have been informed of its intentions and as is law we will apply for a permit in the stipulated time frame. Furthermore A.N.R. will insist that the police will take immediate action to any individuals who intends to use this manifestation to promote his racist views.”
Suddenly the schizophrenic nature of ANR comes out. It speaks of itself as though it were another entity – “have been informed of its intentions”. “As is law” is a classic and must be somewhere up there among “utterly badly” and “delineating our boundaries”. Besides� what kind of immediate action will be taken “to individuals who intends..:”? A pregnant phrase if any. Pregnant with daggers taking a stab at the English language once and for all. To me it reads like the police will be taking a couple of action movies to some individuals who are one (since they intends). I’m not too sure but reading between the lines it might be a swipe at Norma Lowell. Duh.
“Members of the public who would like to give a helping hand are encouraged to write to us at info@anrmalta.info “
You are guaranteed to receive an email in perfect gibberish.
“A Difficult Speech : Mr. Ranier Fsadni endulges in flawed historical revisionism to dilute the significance of our 8th Of September National Feast. He accuses the A.N.R of being pompous in its statements and of engaging in “bad myth making”.”
Ranier. Did you have to go so far? Stop endulging (it’s indulging actually)! Pompous? The ANR? They cannot get their language right how the hell can they be pompous?
“The Lionhearts of Malta : Just a few days after going public, Mrs. Daphne Caruana Galizia has concluded that we at A.N.R. should all go get a life.”
When was that then 1992? 1993? I do not really remember when DCG first went public. Oh all right� I know you all get it� you know what they meant� problem is�. Do these gits get it too?
Categories: Politics (Malta) · TGIL
Dame Lorna’s meanderings have led her to a lamabasting of the RRR. She has joined the ranks of the many columnists busy condemning the monster that is rearing its ugly head. Well done Lorna. She could not resist linking this phenomenon to her recurrent theme: “The Decline and Fall of the Nationalist Party”. The party is in tatters and has many splinter groups according to the Queen of new age literature. LV begins by telling us that:
“prior to EU accession I myself had repeatedly, albeit hypothetically, raised such a possibility”.
She herself has no bounds. You either raise a point or you don’t. Anyway that hypothetically does not fit in anyway. She is talking about the possibility of Europe being invaded by Africa. Of course you were speaking hypothetically your Fluency. Hypothetically as in mentioning the possibility that once we joined the EU we would be invaded by Africans. On the other hand you cannot have the hypothetically in that sentence. You either “raise the possibility” or you do not. You cannot do so hypothetically. Because that means that you do not do that. Really. No. Really really. Jeez It’s mind bending.
“They are African citizens.”
Now now. Not the best of phrases in an article that is meant to be an attack on the nationalist elements of Maltese society. Her phrase implies a brown passport with jungle trees and a photo of natives on the front. The African passport I guess.
There are worrying bits in the middle of the article. Of logic I mean. Not the language. The sorry state of Maltese politics as far as ANR, Lowell, Figolla and others are concerned cannot afford to be compounded further by the addition of another carnival float in the shape of Dame Lorna the mind-boggling. This paragraph is enough to confuse the most avid of followers of Maltese politics:
“It was the Opposition Leader’s turn now to voice his opinion. Feeling comfortable enough that others are fighting the opposition’s battle, the former anti-EU socialist economist declared: “We are here, first and foremost, to defend the interests of our country”. At no time has a Labour leader been so confident he will be applauded by supporters of the other party.”
It is definitely a criticism to Alfred Sant. That much I gather. So Lorna who declared allegiance to the leader while apologising to KMB for her failing him in any way is now telling AS that he has abandoned the Opposition’s cause and is gathering votes among the far right loonies with his ridiculous statements. Bravo Lorna. If I read this right I agree with you.
“is doing utterly badly financially”
Utterly badly indeed. Indeed. Tut tut!
“Definitely nobody is exulted about the ever-increasing influx of immigrants”.
Exultant maybe. Exultant. Endings dear, endings. Which leads us to the historical coup de grace…
“The Maltese government should put the best available brains together [a sort of forget-me-not note] to solve the issue. It is time Malta flourished in its diplomatic relations [Dar Malta II maybe?]. And this is but a necessity. The Maltese contribution to European politics was very often underestimated. We tend to take upon our shoulders European “battles”, notwithstanding our size, and solve them to everybody’s amazement . It’s time to start thinking again. Grand Master La Valette fought the Great Siege for Europe [for the Kings and Queens of Europe who were busy oppressing the lower social classes who inspire MLP's agenda] 10 generations back and World War II was fought for Nelson [ok. tell me there is a typo here! What war was fought for Nelson anyway? or is this Nelson a personification of Brittania??] one generation back; it seems it’s time we fight another battle for (or with?[with??? are you nuts woman???]) Europe. Thus [could've been hence, therefore or even ergo], we badly need another Arvid Pardo or another Dom Mintoff [oh ever so badly needed]in order to delineate our boundaries[as dogs against a tree I guess].”
So there you have it. The ingratitude of Ewripp after we fought off the bloody Turks (Eurasian Citizens) and the Krauts (with Nelson) will be repaid by our marking of our boundaries (drink two litres of water before the performance). In the meantime hidden laboratories will create a superior lower social class ubermensch with cells taken from Arvid Pardo and Dom Mintoff. Alfred Sant will be listed separately on the electoral ballot as the Politician Formerly Known as the Anti Eu Socialist Economist (PFKATAESE for short). But then all this could be hypothetical!
I’m off to mark my boundaries. I have an utterly bad craving to do so….
Horatio surveys the skies for any Messerschmits on the loose!
Do not forget to pop over to the Akkuza Shop and examine our wonderful merchandising – including the J’Accuse Cheesy Mousepad
Categories: TGIL
